8/07/09

I am not to blame. I am not to blame. I need to keep telling myself this everyday until I can really make myself believe it. I am not the one who plotted behind my spouses back. I am not the one who kissed my spouse goodbye at the airport on the way to my fling. I am not the one who flat out lied to my spouse about what my intentions were on my trip. I am not to blame. As most in my situation I admit my mind kept going over our marriage and finding places where I could assign myself the blame for what happened but I have learned in the past few days that I did nothing wrong. Again I am not the one to take the blame, not even a little blame, no I am fully innocent in what took place.

So who is to blame? Well as much as my husband thinks he holds all the blame that is not true. Both of them are to blame. Both could have stopped before anything happened yet neither did. She knew he was married yet she went right ahead with the affair. So I hold both equally to blame for what happened. It really bothers me that my husband will not admit that both are to blame. Whatever his reasons for taking the full blame I do not agree. Both were adults and both knew going into the affair that one was married. This is the reason both are equally to blame. I've discovered that it is really hurting my feelings that my husband will not admit that she is equally to blame. I get he wants to be noble and all but I don't care about her feelings at this point. My feelings are more important right now than hers. I feel horrible that she feels like her friends are judging her and such but that is not my problem. I am still the innocent party and I should not be made to feel second class to someone feelings. Again both of them knew what was going on and if they really were concerned about how others might see them then they should have waited until my marriage was over to carry on. I mean, honestly, my husband broke one of the most important marriage vows.

There are two reasons I am posting this. One being someone contacted me last night about wanting help for someone else who just discovered someone they love being in the same situation. The difference is right now she is taking the blame for the affair. Please if you are reading this please repeat after me "I AM NOT TO BLAME!" Say it over and over again until you start believing it. Because in all honesty you are not to blame. My second reason is because I need to remember the same words I just gave to someone else. And if I have to say it over and over again until I truly believe it then I will.

I am not to blame.