8/29/09

It's been awhile since I updated but life has been really crazy.

After a few tumbles with Don it looks like things are starting to improve. Can't say I trust him too much yet but I don't feel like I have to watch every little thing that he does. I'll update more about us later.

Nathan started 1st grade. Yes we are doing the UTVA again this year but I am seriously beginning to think I should try building my own curriculum next year if we decide to homeschool again. Next year he'd be subjected to ALL the testing of the state and it means that schooling will start to cater to those tests instead of actual learning. But for now we are happy. I HATE the music program and have decided to replace that with a music curriculm that is geared more towards our style of learning. We are having fun and he is learning.

Noah and Zachary are still doing the Waterford preschool program at home. They are learning so much through this program and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants a simple homeschool preschool program.

Our garden is going nuts and its been hard to keep up with all the produce. Add in the factors of me being really sick with a summer cold and now possibily dislocating or spraining my ankle I worry about what will happen to all our produce. The boys are going to be selling pumpkins this year so when it comes time to get your Halloween pumpkins remember us!

Davis County Fair 2009

Different post than what I have been posting but we had so much fun at this years county fair I just had to post about it. We saved money all month long to let the kids do everything they wanted at this years fair and boy did they do everything they wanted to.



Zachary riding the bull. Surprisingly he stayed on for the entire ride.


Noah riding the bull. He was scared to start and ended before his time was up.


Nathan riding the bull. He rode for about a 1/4 of the ride and then wanted off.




This swing ride was very popular with the boys. I believe the twins rode this about 5 times. The ride that Nathan really liked I did not get a picture of. I was very surprised that Nathan would ride it though.




Zachary riding the pony. This has been a favorite thing to do two years in a row now.


Nathan on the pony ride.


Noah had the biggest pony and he was sure proud of the fact!


1st place on my cookie entry. Funny because I had not planned on doing cookies and at the last minute I decided to make them. Recipe will be up on my food blog later today.


Second place on my rustic dinner rolls. Recipe is up on my food blog already.

8/13/09

Things are going better. Don seems to be really trying to make things work between and us and I no longer feel like my world is falling apart. Don realizes I no trust him and I do spend way too much time tracking everything he does but you know its just going to be that way for awhile. To be honest though, this may have been just the thing for us to get back to working on our marriage. I can honestly say neither of us had worked on the marriage much in the past six months. Life got crazy and the first thing that went was our marriage.

Don lost his job the last day of last year. It took him almost 6 months to find another job. This has been noted as a major issue in some marriages. We have a set of twins which again has been proven to cause martial stress. Neither of us were really investing too much energy into the emotional aspect of marriage. And to be honest he found the emotional support he wanted with his "online" friend. Granted I am not to blame and I will not take the blame for what happened but if I had noticed his emotionally tuning out of our marriage before his trip what happened may not have happened.

Right now we are working on rebuilding trust and working on fulfilling each others emotional needs. So far I feel we both are giving 100% towards this goal. From what I have read and from others I have talked to it may take years to rebuild trust and I really believe this. The other day he was late coming home from work and the first thing that went through my head was he was somewhere talking to her on the phone. Well I headed out to try to find him and it turned out he had to stay late at work.

8/09/09

Just a vent for today. Why do his friends think it is perfectly alright what they did? Why is it that it's okay that they went behind a spouses back to plot an affair and now they should not be made to feel bad, according to their friends? What really makes me sick is that not one of the friends the two of them hung out with during that week said one thing to them about carrying on with each other when one was married? I just have this feeling that the friends are laughing behind my back about how they pulled the wool over my eyes. Who knows how long I have been laughed at but its becoming obvious that others knew what was going on weeks before the actual time it happened. Not one of them felt I should be told of what they were suspecting? Again its truly disgusting that people my husband considers friends did not try to stop what was going on. Oh yes I've heard all the details lately, not from him but from some anonymous chicken who keeps emailing me, about the way they acted from the beginning in NY and how they it was pretty obvious to anyone near them what was going on. And yet not one of these "friends" had the guts, nerves, or even common decency to remind them that one of them was married. Nope I do not think I could ever talk to any of his friends from his hometown without feeling hatred towards them. I am also having trouble thinking his facebook "friends" are even worth trying to be nice to cause again I really have a hard time believing not one of them ever suspected something.

I realize some of his friends read this blog and I hope they realize how disgusted I am with some of them. There is no way I can consider someone a friend when they helped two people covered up something that everyone involved knew was not the right thing to be doing.

8/07/09

I am not to blame. I am not to blame. I need to keep telling myself this everyday until I can really make myself believe it. I am not the one who plotted behind my spouses back. I am not the one who kissed my spouse goodbye at the airport on the way to my fling. I am not the one who flat out lied to my spouse about what my intentions were on my trip. I am not to blame. As most in my situation I admit my mind kept going over our marriage and finding places where I could assign myself the blame for what happened but I have learned in the past few days that I did nothing wrong. Again I am not the one to take the blame, not even a little blame, no I am fully innocent in what took place.

So who is to blame? Well as much as my husband thinks he holds all the blame that is not true. Both of them are to blame. Both could have stopped before anything happened yet neither did. She knew he was married yet she went right ahead with the affair. So I hold both equally to blame for what happened. It really bothers me that my husband will not admit that both are to blame. Whatever his reasons for taking the full blame I do not agree. Both were adults and both knew going into the affair that one was married. This is the reason both are equally to blame. I've discovered that it is really hurting my feelings that my husband will not admit that she is equally to blame. I get he wants to be noble and all but I don't care about her feelings at this point. My feelings are more important right now than hers. I feel horrible that she feels like her friends are judging her and such but that is not my problem. I am still the innocent party and I should not be made to feel second class to someone feelings. Again both of them knew what was going on and if they really were concerned about how others might see them then they should have waited until my marriage was over to carry on. I mean, honestly, my husband broke one of the most important marriage vows.

There are two reasons I am posting this. One being someone contacted me last night about wanting help for someone else who just discovered someone they love being in the same situation. The difference is right now she is taking the blame for the affair. Please if you are reading this please repeat after me "I AM NOT TO BLAME!" Say it over and over again until you start believing it. Because in all honesty you are not to blame. My second reason is because I need to remember the same words I just gave to someone else. And if I have to say it over and over again until I truly believe it then I will.

I am not to blame.

Step One to Recovery

Right now we are working on putting walls around the other woman and opening the windows back up to our marriage. We both admit there were several things that have happened in our marriage that allowed both of us to feel we were not getting the emotional things needed from each other. I called the base and received a number to call and talk to a therapist who suggested that we read the book Not "Just Friends" Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity. Turns out most of what we have read so far is things that we had already agreed upon since the discovery of the affair.

Don has agreed to the first step in the recovery process which is to stop all contact with the said person. If he feels he must contact her, and according to the book sometimes it must be done, I am to be allowed full access to everything written or said. Basically meaning he must show me all forms of written contact or he must be on speaker phone if he chooses to call her. Do I fully trust him at this point? No but he realizes I do not and he has been making strides to work on it.

I am using my blog right now as a way to express my feelings without needing to actually talk to someone. I can not deal with yet another phone call to see if I am okay. I get myself feeling better, the crying stops and I start functioning again, only to get another phone call asking me if I am okay. While I appreciate the concern and I have loved talking to people I have not talked to in ages, I need time to work this through on my own. Give me a week and then please if you feel like calling give me a call.

The Day My Life Was Shattered

My husband had an affair. Not just any affair one he plotted right under my nose with someone I trusted. Course he claims he had not planned on doing it but I am sure every man claims the same thing when caught. I am told I should not blame her but how can I not. She knew he was married yet she went ahead and carried on like it was not going to hurt anyone. Did they both think I would not get hurt?

I will admit I am a fool. I did not question his reasons for going back to his childhood home. I did not question him when he said he was staying with a friend so he would not need a hotel room. Course I did not find out until the morning he was leaving that he was staying with a female friend and not the male friend that I had assumed he would be staying with. I let him leave with no doubt in my mind that all would be well. Well the first phone call home I knew something was wrong. Then when I get the word that I should only call for emergencies another sense of something being wrong entered my mind. What really ticks me off is this female knowing she was having sex with my husband talked to me and my kids like she was nothing but someone who wanted to be friends with me and the kids. I'm sick knowing all that time I thought she was being nice to me she was having sex with my husband. Boy did she play me for the biggest fool.

The moment we saw him in the airport something was not right. Again I just figured he was having a little trouble coming back to reality after having no real worries during his 8 day vacation. However it was becoming quite clear within two days of his being back that something was seriously wrong. I love how he said he was confused by feelings that he was having. I thought maybe he wanted to move back home. Well I was right but silly me for thinking he wanted me and the boys to go with him. Sunday he finally admitted to being in love with this other woman but he did not want to hurt me and the boys. Umm hello that statement alone hurt all of us. I seriously can not believe he thought that I and the boys would be perfectly okay with him just up and leaving us for another woman. I can not believe he thought for even the slightest moment that his life would become the perfect life it was while on vacation when he left me for a woman he had not spoke to in over 40 years until he hooked up with her on facebook in the past 4-6 months. I am still angry that he was willing to trade in ten years of marriage for a one week affair.

It took until Monday to finally get him to admit that he had an affair. Course by then I knew, between emails and other communication with certain "friends" of theirs I knew something was up. And yes I did read several email exchanges between my husband and this female. Enough that I knew everything long before he admitted it. He admitted he was ready to leave but did not want to leave me with nothing. He wanted to be sure I was taken care of. And I was told I should not blame myself nor should I blame the other woman. I should only blame him. Well that's crap cause she is every much to blame for this as he is. She allowed herself to become involved knowing full well that he was married and yet it seems her only thought was for herself and not for me or the three little boys. Don claimed he did not want to distrup his kids life. LOL what a joke that comment was. Did he think that going from seeing their father every day to only seeing at most a few weeks in the summer and one or two holidays during the year was not going to affect them? Did he not think that losing a full time mom was not going to hurt the kids? Because there is no way I would be able to stay home with them the way I do now.

Monday night he states that he wants to work things out. Well I am fine with that I say but I tell him we need to be completely honest. I ask that he gives it at least 6 months of really trying to work things out before he decides he is ready to throw his family away. I also ask that he stop all contact with his "friend." He tells me he does not want to hurt her and he needs to tell her. Geez what about not hurting your wife you jerk. I guess my feelings really did not matter and I was really beginning to doubt his sincrity in trying to work things out. I finally allow him to send her an email but that I would have to read it before he could send it. I also stated I wanted full access to all of his accounts so I could see if he was talking to her. I went to bed feeling quite confident about trying to work things out. Then morning came along and I discover he had reopened another email account and sent a message to his lady friend that way. Again he claims he does not want to hurt her feelings. This ticks me off cause I am reading this as her feelings are more important than yours. Needless to say I was exteremly hurt again.

Honestly I do not know what to think at this point. I do think after another arugement yesterday morning we are both working on fixing our marriage but I feel this hurt that what if he is only toying with me. That he has no plans of sticking it out with me but is just doing this right now to make me feel better. I told him last night I want him tested for STD's. I don't care that I am confident she does not have any I just want him to realize what could have happened. I mean honestly she was willing to have an affair with a married man who is to say she would not have an affair with just anyone.